I don’t write a lot about my family online but this birth is very special to me. Three years ago, I had my first miscarriage – it was devastating. I still remember vividly how I felt when the doctor pronounced solemnly that the baby’s heartbeat could not be detected. Two other miscarriages followed, one about six months after the first; the other, just last year. Both were no less heart-achingly painful than the first.
When I discovered that I was pregnant late last year, it was with much trepidation and fear that I made it through the first crucial three months of pregnancy (the Chinese phrase ‘提心吊胆’ aptly describes my feelings then).
Even after the first trimester had passed, my fears were not allayed; every twinge, every little occurrence which I perceived to be an abnormality, alarmed me to some degree. Thankfully, sanity came in the form of good friends, beauty products and writing on this website – they occupied me in their own special ways, taking the edge off my anxiety.
The second trimester went by fairly quickly and there was a palpable, if minuscule, sense of relief after the 5th month scan. Still, I was always conscious of my baby’s daily movements and made sure my husband and my sons could hear her heartbeat every day.
The third trimester finally arrived and I continued attending beauty events and hanging out with my beauty blogging pals, being fairly mobile even as my baby – and I – grew heavier. I remember those days of beauty joy fondly.
Her eventual birth will always be tied to Makeup Stash! and the Shu Uemura Color Atelier collection, for I was writing and editing that very post while labouring in the wee hours of the morning! My elder son timed my contractions (boy, did they hurt) and was my wonderful labour supporter, believe it or not, as I’d let my husband sleep; knowing that he’d have lots to do should I give birth that morning. At that point I was still in semi-denial about having my little one so soon but once the violent waves of shuddering contractions came, I pretty much knew it was time.
So it was off to the hospital and within less than an hour, she was here! (Ah, words make birthing sound easy. The actual event? Not so.) This was my second VBAC and though it hurt, I was and am all the better for it: an all-natural birth meant I was up and about in no time.
My beautiful baby is a joy, though she keeps me up and gives me many things to do (we don’t call her Little Miss Leaky for nothing). She’s now two months old and holds me hostage, being a tenacious nursling. (Let’s just say I’m super thankful for the Notes app on the iPhone – I’m writing these words on this very app!)
I still worry about her, in the light of the losses I’d experienced and sometimes fear my two boys will be taken away from me as well. Wise was Elizabeth Stone who had this to say about having children:
Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
I will enjoy my little one while I can; she is only this young once. With my first child, parenting was BNIB, to borrow a makeup term. Wading through the numerous learning experiences kept me from fully appreciating the impermanence of babyhood. However, as with my second child, I’m already mourning the loss of infanthood even as I relish it. That’s the conundrum of parenthood, I suppose – you love them so much at this time in their life and wish it’d last forever (I want to bottle that fresh baby scent!), yet something’s wrong if they don’t grow. I suppose it is the transience that makes it all the more precious. (Okay, the persistent big 3 – pee, poo, puke – can be transient, by all means!)
These days, nursing can keep me in a haze but prolactin and oxytocin are good friends to have, to alleviate the stress of caring for an infant (the vivid and startlingly realistic dreams are something else too). I have very little computer time, as well, so bear with me – and continue visiting Makeup Stash!, I hope – as I adjust to the changes in my life.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for staying with me; I didn’t think I’d be this verbose. Forgive me – I started writing this post a week after she was born…and only just found the time to complete it! ;)
Posted in: other musings